Have I mentioned that we have lions living three houses down?

Seriously. There’s an animal sanctuary on our road, three country lots away, where this couple lives with all their miscellaneous rescued wildlife. The collection includes a lot of ducks and geese (thankfully, they’ve repopulated after the infamous Hazel And Bagel Flightless Bird Massacre Of 2007), goats, at least one wolf, a gazillion cats and dogs, parrots, pigs, peacocks, a mule, snakes, some kind of wild jungle cat like maybe a puma, and a weird Asian animal Chip and I can’t remember the name of. And probably some other stuff I’m forgetting or haven’t seen before.

And two lions and two tigers.

Let me say that again: We live three doors down from two lions and two tigers. One time the owners told me no one can go near the lions because “they would eat you immediately.” They feed them through some kind of enclosure — giant raw steaks. Same menu for the tigers, but I think they are a little more tolerant of people, although I have less than zero intention of testing that theory.

One of the lions is in a fenced area close enough to the road that you can see her perched on her big wooden platform from the comfort and safety of your car. The kids used to beg me to drive by on the way home. They live farther up the street (the sanctuary people, not the kids), so it’s out of the way, but I often gave in because it’s just so trippy to see a lion lounging around in the sun in your own neighborhood.

Over the past few months, one of the lions has started growling at night. It’s like clockwork — every night between 11 and 12 — which wikipedia assures me is normal communication behavior for a lion. And I quote:

Lion sounds include snarling, purring, hissing, coughing, miaowing, woofing and roaring. Lions tend to roar in a very characteristic manner, starting with a few deep, long roars that trail off into a series of shorter ones. They most often roar at night; the sound, which can be heard from a distance of 8 kilometres (5.0 mi), is used to advertise the animal’s presence.[106] Lions have the loudest roar of any big cat.

Can’t say I’ve heard any “miaowing.” I actually think what we’re hearing is more like the lion version of purring, kind of a low, rolling, repetitive series of growls as opposed to the giant roar you would imagine. At least that’s what I’ve been telling myself as I lay in bed at night listening to the thing (yes, we can hear it from inside the farthest room in the house with all doors and windows shut): It’s a happy lion purr, not an angry/hungry lion roar! Happy lion! Sleepy lion!

If anyone has any lion-fighting tips, let me know. I’ve started to collect them. So far all I have is “cry,” “scream,” “stab with my bellydance sword,” “bargain with God,” and “die.”

Just another day at Hillbilly Hill.