We have a local NBC station in central Missouri that we at Hillbilly Hill like to call the Comedy Channel. It’s owned by the journalism school at MU, which is near and dear to my heart but does have the questionable practice of putting brand new broadcast majors in front of the camera every night at 5, 6 and 10.

We get nightly entertainment out of their terrified stares into the camera, botched pronunciations, missed cues, screwed-up video, and way-too-frequent remote shots in front of dark buildings you can’t see. (“Earlier today in the building behind me, the city council …”) The student weathercasters are even better. (“It’s definitely gonna be hot today, and definitely tomorrow, and we’ll definitely see storms. Definitely.”)

Not only are the students funny to watch, but the “news” the anchors (who are professionals, not students, except on Sunday night, which is EXTRA funny) report is a good indicator for the level of country-ness here.

For example, tonight’s lineup was, in order, and I’m not making any of this up:

* Lead story: High winds in three counties — weather man said no storm warning issued but then declared there SHOULD be one issued because it’s r-e-a-l-l-y windy!

* High levels of E. Coli bacteria at the Lake of the Ozarks (watch out Mom and Dad, don’t go swimming!). Anchor kept pronouncing it “EE-koh-lie,” like it’s one word. Kind of like “Ricola,” the cough drops. Irritating.

* Home sales are up. Interviewed a contractor who said life’s been grand since the election and “those tax credit things they’re doing.”

* Something about the open container law, which some college student reporter decides is a story every semester or so. I don’t remember any news about it, just vague outrage that even passengers in a car can’t drink. But they’re not even driving! What if the driver promises not to? It’s not FAIR!

* Piece on the local art-film theater and how AWESOME it is, even though sales are down a bit due to the recession and people not wanting to watch serious movies. Not sure this one qualifies as “journalism.” More like “advertising.”

* Story about a woman one county to the east who called the police on her neighbor because she suspected he was underfeeding his cows. They showed quite a lot of video of the suspect cows, and they did look sad and skinny, I must say. They said the farmer only provided the cows with moldy hay, and after the reporter called to inquire, the farmer went out and fed them GRAIN. Victory!

* Brief story about a Chevy dealer in Marceline, population 75, that got 125 people to sign a petition to GM to let them stay in business, and somehow that worked. So they had a party today at the dealership, which looked like it was in an old strip mall and all the cars were parked in a gravel lot next door. “We’re feeling way better than last month!!” said the wife of the owner.

* Escaped inmate one county to the west. Somehow used toilet paper to jam the lock on his cell. If anyone sees him, call the police. They have no idea where he could be.

I stopped paying attention after that. I’m guessing the news in LA is a little different, right Beth? It’s probably all “today Versace unveiled the fall couture collection” and “diamond prices are down thanks to the recession” and “80 and sunny, again!!”

And I’m taking a wild guess that the news in Minneapolis is full of exposes on evil Republicans and tips for surviving the 75-degree heat waves and happy stories about Nordic culture festivals. And probably some stuff about Canada?