“Back before digital TV” — that’s a phrase not too many people will ever say, considering most have cable and never noticed the switch. Well, not here on Hillbilly Hill.

As loyal readers know, we got all of three local networks before digital, thanks to rabbit ears, plus one fuzzy channel we could get sometimes.

Digital was supposed to open up the bounty of the airwaves to all. This is SO NOT TRUE. Where we once had 3.5 channels, we now have 1.5.

Channel #1: KOMU, our local NBC affiliate, referred to in previous posts as the Comedy Channel because the journalism school runs it and all the reporters and weather people are students.

Channel #1.5: NBC Universal, the D-list sports network. Synchronized swimming, men’s doubles diving, gymnastics tournaments in Des Moines, bike races in other countries, Chinese table tennis. Bizarre at best. (Although Chinese table tennis sure is intense to watch! They even use sweat towels!) This channel sometimes inexplicably turns into CW, the D-list regular network that plays endless Gossip Girls and Married with Children reruns.

It’s actually not so bad to have minimal or no TV. We’ve been reading more, playing music, the kids are practicing piano every day. I love having a quiet house without the two upstairs TVs blaring from all directions. We still watch movies, but I have to say I don’t miss all the stupid reality shows and whatever else we used to watch. Ninety-nine percent of it really is total crap.

BUT …

When there IS something someone really wants to watch, like football in Chip’s case, it’s not as easy as turning on the TV. What the FCC failed to tell the American people is that digital TV only works sometimes, when the trees are bent just the right way and the wind is 10 MPH or less out of the south-southeast. Also, Pluto and the third star in the Orion belt must be aligned PERFECTLY.

If the universe doesn’t align, the entire screen pixelates and eventually goes black, with a “NO SIGNAL” error message popping happily across the screen.

Oh and also, one person has to sit on the couch by the window, on the farthest spot from the TV, and sit UPRIGHT facing the TV. Someone else has to sit on the other couch, on the spot closest to the kitchen, facing the windows.

Chip is doing that right now because there’s a football game on and he’s been a trouper and has missed a lot of football this season. I am manning the other required position on the other couch. When I got up to get the laundry out of the dryer, the signal dropped. When he got up to get ice cream (both times), the signal dropped. This did not make him happy because it takes a little while to get the signal back.

So the scene right this moment: Chip acting as antenna #1 on the first couch, with his right arm raised toward the window to further assist the signal (it makes a difference, actually). I’m acting as antenna #2 on the other couch, surrounded by laundry I’m trying to fold without bending my head down or waving my arms too much. I really want to get up to put the laundry away and get ready for bed, but I feel responsible for the game viewing and should probably stay until it’s over. Seven minutes on the game clock! That only means like an hour, right?

Sigh. If only someone would invent a wire or, say, a satellite dish that could bring the signal directly to your TV in a way that doesn’t depend on the wind and various constellations and someone sitting with an arm raised next to the window. They’d make millions.