Wow, it’s been a long time! I’m sure all three of you have been diligently checking the blog every day, then crying in disappointment that I haven’t posted in so long. Sorry about that. Been hiding out a bit, trying to recharge after this insane 18 months at work, but also reading obsessively and working on the last chapter of the Suhaila book. Almost done!

So Chip and I were watching the news on the comedy channel last night (our local NBC affiliate run by the journalism school at MU, for anyone who might not remember what I’m talking about). We haven’t had the TV on, except for movies, more than two or three times in the past couple of months. We’re just off it completely, and the comedy channel is all we get (still), so it’s not worth turning on most of the time anyway.

We were watching last night so he could get highlights from the MU game. The weekend newscast crew is often even more entertaining than usual, because the professionals get the night off and basically that means the monkeys are running the zoo. Crazy swings of the camera, bizarre weather forecasts, awkward pauses and glances off-screen, WAY over-enthusiastic sports reports, off-center camera angles, etc.

Here’s what kept us captivated through the entire broadcast. This feels a little mean, but come on! It’s hard to believe they let this poor girl on camera wearing this … this … this THING.

It was like a reverse mullet, long in front and short in back. Underneath she appeared to be wearing JEANS, which I can’t say I’ve ever seen a weather person wear. These kind of long-flounces-in-front sweaters are in style right now, and they are cool when worn appropriately. But BELTED? And over jeans on TV? Even these two Hillbilly Hill rednecks know that ain’t right.

In other news, I rode the new zipline today! You have to climb up into a hunting stand Chip installed in a giant tree over between the garage and the lagoon, and brave certain death to climb on the little seat, and brave death again to leap into the air and trust that wire will hold. I did it, after sitting up on the hunting stand for a good long while complaining about being dizzy and saying I couldn’t do it.

Chip convinced me to try and I’m glad I did! It’s fun but will be a lot more fun when there’s a way to get down that doesn’t involve a stepladder in the grass and sliding down a rope.

On Friday, Joshua’s school had a Halloween parade, but he decided he didn’t feel like wearing his costume and made me hold it instead. He was still super cute though, in his khaki pants and polo shirt.

Then we went inside to the classrooms, and his class made Halloween cookies … just to prime their little adrenal systems for all the sugar coming their way.

Because you can never have too many M&Ms in one weekend. And then Saturday night was the big night. Presenting …

Lady Gaga and the Sheriff!

Lady Gaga went trick-or-treating with her friends, where she got a touch-up on her make-up …

… and me and the sheriff went to a friend’s house for a little bit and then met up with Chip and Ian for trick-or-treating in a very “productive” neighborhood behind Joshua’s school. They cleaned up, indeed.

I didn’t get any well-lit pictures of Ian, but he was a cow, wearing a full-body cow costume complete with udders. Chip actually dressed up too – he put on a big black overcoat and an old army hat with a red star on it and called himself a commie. I didn’t dress up even one tiny bit because I’m lame-o like that.

Then yesterday Gaga and Papa came to town for Joshua’s second-to-last soccer game and to see the Michael Jackson movie with us. The movie was mesmerizing … I am actually tempted to go see it again in the theater before it’s only on small screen. He was such a genius. And the dancing KICKED ASS. Even more than Halloween candy kicks ass. And that’s saying a lot.

Anybody know how to tell if a dog is preggers?

Besides sudden decrease in appetite, sudden change from hyper to mellow, and sudden booby growth?

The devil of death saw a cowboy accessories kit at the costume store and has officially changed characters. We are now a cowboy. Apparently a holster with two orange plastic guns and a sheriff’s badge is more exciting than the red devil’s pitchfork we got at Wal-Mart. So he’s a cowboy sheriff with two orange guns and a badge and a red pitchfork. On the search for a hat tomorrow. (A cowboy sheriff hat, not a devil of death hat, as you may recall from the last post.)

Kaya is still Lady Gaga. We rented her a cool lime green go-go dress to go with her wig, sunglasses and hot pink fake nails.

Ian has talked about being the Balloon Boy but is getting a little old to really care too much. He’s still on the fence about trick-or-treating but I bet the lure of candy wins out.

I am being lame as usual and not dressing up, unless inspiration strikes between now and Saturday night. I’m tempted every year to totally cop out and go as a bellydancer, since I have about 17,000 possible costumes to choose from in my closet, but that would be cheating, and boring. Like dressing up as an assistant manager (my other identity). So I’ll probably just chaperone and then party with the other parents after trick-or-treating. As long as they get some good candy for me to steal, I’ll consider it a success.

This should be a good Halloween. Pics to come …

Just now:

Kaya: What movie are you watching?

Joshua: National Treasure.

 ** silence **

Joshua: What? It’s good!

The other night at dinner:

Me: What are you guys gonna be for Halloween? [we're now into the fourth or fifth round of ideas]

Kaya: Lady Gaga! [was previously planning Robert Pattinson] I can wear a blond wig with bangs cut like they show you in People magazine, and big sunglasses and long fake nails.

Me: Cool! We need to find you a shiny silver dress or skirt or something. What about you Buster? What do you want to be?

Joshua: The devil of death!

** Kaya and I exchange confused glances **

Me: Um, how do you dress up like the devil of death?

Joshua: You wear a hat.

okay so yeah this is kaya. um well michael jackson is awesome. but what does ’shamon’ mean? like from man in the mirror? and hes also mean in that song. ’if you want to make the world a better place, take a look at urself and make a change?’ so change urself to make the world better?? ok…. omg smooth criminal!!! my fave!!! sry it just turned on. annie r u okay? will u tell us that ur okay? the sign at the window, that he struck you, a crescendo annie! he came into ur apartment, left the bloodstains on the carpet!!  shucka-chucka. mouth to mouth resustituition, sounding heartbeats, intimidation. da gone it baby!! da gone baby!!!
why is it called smooth criminal? he only says it twice. it should be called annie. so the conclusion of todays post is that michael jackson is awesome and that i want uggs and an itouch for christmas. love u everybody goodnight!!!

ps. gaga are you ok? are you ok gaga? gaga are you okay? will tell us that ur okay? shucka-chucka

pps. THIS IS IT…. whooo!!! (that noise was intented to be a rly high mj noise)    bi-bi!!!

Tonight’s after-dinner conversation, in a nutshell. The whole time, Chip and our neighbor Steve have been down in the basement dismantling pipes and making loud banging noises with a wrench and yelling at us to turn the hot water on or off. There’s water everywhere. The idea is to install the new water heater, but we’ll see. (For the record, Steve does actually know what he’s doing, I think. He built this house!)

Note: This conversation was preceded by a dinner conversation about poop cleaners, as in people who clean other people’s butts for a living. And how gross that would be. And how cute baby butts are, but that doesn’t mean anyone wants to clean their poop all day long. Joshua suggested calling the plumbing guy on the magnet on our fridge. (?)

This is not a random assortment of quotes from throughout the night – this is the conversation, in order, with little or nothing left out.

Kaya: “I wish Michael Jackson was still black when I was born. He was cooler when he was black.”

Joshua: “What’s wrong with his chin?”

Kaya: “Why don’t we go to the Nutcracker anymore? We always used to go!”

Joshua: “I’m sick of that! I just want to open my presents!”

Kaya: “Give me your face and come with me to the TV. I know karate!”

Kaya: “I’m not really going to hurt you. I’m just bigger and stronger.”

Joshua: “I’m a cheetah. It means I can run faster than you … heeh heeeh.”

Kaya: “Mommy’s a camel. Stop quoting me word for word! Stop it! STOP STOP STOP hahahahahahahh heeeeheeehehee LOLOLOLOLOL *cough* *cough* *cough*.”

Kaya: “This song’s too long. [Man in the Mirror, Michael Jackson] I think everyone knows that song is by Michael Jackson, you don’t have to say that!”

Joshua: “You don’t know how to spell.”

We are now qualified to legally call ourselves Amish.

We have the country abode:

(Minus the cool windmill – I’m sure Chip will think of that next, after he finishes the extended zipline and the treehouse.)

We have the farmland and tractor:

(Minus the horses. Maybe we can train the tiger to pull the hay cart!!)

We have the sweet, good-natured, rule-abiding children:

Awwww — aren’t they darling? Thank GOD we don’t homeschool!

We’re busy making quilted bridesmaid dresses for Beth’s wedding:

We have no TV, so we go for joyrides in our buggy instead.

We have a wood stove for heat because we shun the idea of a furnace:

And now, for the final straw … the one qualification we did not have until this weekend (except the religion part and the outfits) …

yes, that’s right …

we have no hot water!

That means showers, dishwater and the laundry are basically this cold:

Our water heater went out this weekend. Apparently there is sediment in the water out here in the country, and it piles up in the pipes and appliances. Good to know! Wish we had known this before the hot water heater filled up with almost a foot of hard, crusty white rocks.

I’ll spare you the details of Chip valiantly trying to fix it. It was messy and involved him jabbing at it with screwdrivers, a small section of hose and multiple trips to Home Depot. Three days later, the new one is sitting in a box in the back of Chip’s car and the old one is taking up space and not helping with showers at all.

Luckily the housekeepers scheduled for tomorrow can clean without hot water if necessary. Now THAT’s Amish!

(Disclaimer: I don’t mean any of this post to be disrespectful to Amish people, mostly just disrespectful to us and our hoosier-ness. I actually think they have a fascinating culture and bad-ass quilting skills, which I can appreciate on a personal level.)

“Back before digital TV” — that’s a phrase not too many people will ever say, considering most have cable and never noticed the switch. Well, not here on Hillbilly Hill.

As loyal readers know, we got all of three local networks before digital, thanks to rabbit ears, plus one fuzzy channel we could get sometimes.

Digital was supposed to open up the bounty of the airwaves to all. This is SO NOT TRUE. Where we once had 3.5 channels, we now have 1.5.

Channel #1: KOMU, our local NBC affiliate, referred to in previous posts as the Comedy Channel because the journalism school runs it and all the reporters and weather people are students.

Channel #1.5: NBC Universal, the D-list sports network. Synchronized swimming, men’s doubles diving, gymnastics tournaments in Des Moines, bike races in other countries, Chinese table tennis. Bizarre at best. (Although Chinese table tennis sure is intense to watch! They even use sweat towels!) This channel sometimes inexplicably turns into CW, the D-list regular network that plays endless Gossip Girls and Married with Children reruns.

It’s actually not so bad to have minimal or no TV. We’ve been reading more, playing music, the kids are practicing piano every day. I love having a quiet house without the two upstairs TVs blaring from all directions. We still watch movies, but I have to say I don’t miss all the stupid reality shows and whatever else we used to watch. Ninety-nine percent of it really is total crap.

BUT …

When there IS something someone really wants to watch, like football in Chip’s case, it’s not as easy as turning on the TV. What the FCC failed to tell the American people is that digital TV only works sometimes, when the trees are bent just the right way and the wind is 10 MPH or less out of the south-southeast. Also, Pluto and the third star in the Orion belt must be aligned PERFECTLY.

If the universe doesn’t align, the entire screen pixelates and eventually goes black, with a “NO SIGNAL” error message popping happily across the screen.

Oh and also, one person has to sit on the couch by the window, on the farthest spot from the TV, and sit UPRIGHT facing the TV. Someone else has to sit on the other couch, on the spot closest to the kitchen, facing the windows.

Chip is doing that right now because there’s a football game on and he’s been a trouper and has missed a lot of football this season. I am manning the other required position on the other couch. When I got up to get the laundry out of the dryer, the signal dropped. When he got up to get ice cream (both times), the signal dropped. This did not make him happy because it takes a little while to get the signal back.

So the scene right this moment: Chip acting as antenna #1 on the first couch, with his right arm raised toward the window to further assist the signal (it makes a difference, actually). I’m acting as antenna #2 on the other couch, surrounded by laundry I’m trying to fold without bending my head down or waving my arms too much. I really want to get up to put the laundry away and get ready for bed, but I feel responsible for the game viewing and should probably stay until it’s over. Seven minutes on the game clock! That only means like an hour, right?

Sigh. If only someone would invent a wire or, say, a satellite dish that could bring the signal directly to your TV in a way that doesn’t depend on the wind and various constellations and someone sitting with an arm raised next to the window. They’d make millions.

Here’s today’s math lesson, kids:

    6:15    wake-up time
+ 7:02   e-mails start rolling
+ 3          items to pick up at the cleaners
+ 1          green tea
+ 1          9:30 meeting
+ 11       still in meeting
+ 1         Lean Cuisine at my desk (I’m a giant cliche, I KNOW)
+ 7        crises handled by noon
+ 1         more meeting
+ 5         mood swings narrowly averted (so far)
+ 245   phone calls
+ 2        more meetings
+1         brownie off the office food table
+1         more brownie (that’s right!)
+4:10  fly out the door to pick up kids
+2        piano lessons
+1        soccer practice
+3        sandwiches from Jimmy John’s
+1        dance class for Kaya
+1        yoga class for me
+1       hurried and vague greeting to husband I haven’t talked to all day
+64    degrees in the house because our new wood stove is not yet installed
+1       available TV station I don’t have time to watch anyway
+2       kids finally in bed, showered, teeth brushed (more or less)
+1       more hour of work (after I stop this exercise in procrastination)

EQUALS

I don’t know, I’m too tired to figure it out. Someday life will probably seem really, really boring compared to this!